Are you carrying too much, whilst saying too little?

Constrained Vulnerability: The Hidden Leadership Risk No One Talks About

Vulnerability is one of those leadership topics on which everyone has their position, generally based on long-held beliefs that are difficult to shift. Some leaders believe that sharing a lot and often is the best way to connect with their team, while many leaders hold a contrasting point of view that works on the ‘share as little as possible with as few people as possible’ principle. Both are flawed, but both can work effectively in certain situations.

Whilst these approaches have obvious limitations, they are at least both principally based. However, a more damaging version of vulnerability is becoming more common: constrained vulnerability.

This is when a leader only shares what they feel will resonate and is selective about who they share it with. This approach is rooted in fear, conditioning, or legitimate concerns about the impact, the power dynamic in play, or other people’s perceptions.

The problem is that this approach is neither aligned with their personal nor organisational principles, and it never feels comfortable. Constrained vulnerability is hard work and erodes trust over time.

Let’s explain this further and consider what a better approach could look like.

Reframe:  Is this working for anyone?

Constrained vulnerability is a performance. And performing is emotionally draining.

You have 3 separate elements that all add to the emotional strain.

1. The pre-performance – Loads of prep needed, and the related concerns about how the performance will land.

2. The actual performance itself - A high-stress episode for even the most seasoned performers.

3. The inevitable post-performance review: How well did I do, how well did that resonate with others, etc.

Now imagine going through those three elements on a continual loop – that’s what a leader guilty of constrained vulnerability is putting themselves through. Constrained vulnerability doesn’t serve you OR the people you lead OR the wider company.

·   It drains the founder who must bear the burden of others’ perceptions along with their own reality.

·   It fosters a culture of emotional caution among those you directly lead – everyone senses there are “things we don’t talk about.”

·   It limits innovation and problem-solving across the broader organisation because hard truths stay underground.

Choosing when and what to share in reality benefits no one.

Rethink: Is vulnerability a strength or weakness?

Most founders and CEOs are hard-wired to believe that vulnerability is a weakness as sharing doubts, concerns and uncertainty will undermine their authority as a leader & shake stakeholder confidence.

While this mindset is understandable, it is also flawed. It places too much pressure on the founder/CEO to carry the weight of those concerns and uncertainty alone, and it fosters a ME & THEM culture that is the polar opposite of what most leaders strive for.

Avoiding emotionally charged and challenging topics like cash flow, burnout, and market conditions builds a void between the founder/CEO and their leadership team and, in turn, the wider company.

They are more aware than you realise and want honest, open conversations with a self-aware, emotionally tuned leader. What they don’t value is not being invited into a conversation.

While you are ‘toughing it out’ emotionally, they feel undervalued and underrespected because you don’t seem to trust and value them enough to share the concerns that they know are present for you. We are never as good at masking our concerns as we think.

Vulnerability is a leadership strength, not a weakness, provided it is done for the right reasons, at the right time, and it is done that empowers others.

Refocus: Just Be You

One of the most referred-to quotes comes from the underrated part-time philosopher Dolly Parton, who concluded that one of the secrets behind her happiness and longevity was to “Find out who you are, and then do it on purpose.”

This philosophy underpins what we call a healthy level of vulnerability rather than a constrained one. Healthy vulnerability involves showing up as your authentic self—no filters, no overthinking, and no oversharing. Just be the person your family and friends would recognise.

A healthy vulnerability looks like

·   Sharing discomfort or concerns, but only to build a connection with others or for lessons to be learned.

·   Modelling honesty for how you feel, but with some boundaries to avoid over-sharing. This is not a performance, just a conversation.

·   Giving equal airtime to the successes and challenges you and the business are experiencing.

It is a difficult balance to achieve where you are vulnerable enough as a leader to be relatable but not so vulnerable as to appear weak. Your stakeholders need a confident but self-aware leader at the helm. One can relate to and also respect.

Reflect on whether there are too many versions of you currently, and then commit to spending more time on the one that feels the most authentic and requires you to be the person you are rather than the person you think others expect you to be.

Once you have nailed that, you will have settled on a healthy/optimal level of vulnerability.